Emotional Judo: Communication Skills to Handle Difficult Conversations and Boost Emotional Intelligence by Tim Higgs

Author:Tim Higgs [Higgs, Tim]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2018-03-16T04:00:00+00:00

Run

Rectify

Reconcile/Regulate

Running means, we don’t go near the person or issue that is causing us the problem; we avoid it. If an acquaintance is acting offensively, we can simply not hang out with that person. If we’re afraid of heights, we could stay away from windows in tall buildings. If we get triggered into negative feelings every time we drive past our ex-boy/girl-friend’s place, we can simply take a different route.

If we have a problem with doing our taxes or an issue with someone we have to live with, then running or dodging the problem is not a good strategy.

That leads us to “Rectify.” Rectifying means making changes around us, so we can be more comfortable and nullify the problem. Human beings have been using this strategy forever. If we do not like a circumstance, we can do things to change it. If we don’t like our neighbors, we can move (that would we be “Run”), or we can build a higher fence (that would be “Rectifying”). We change systems to suit us. We can change our environment. And we can change governments (or attempt to, depending on the political climate).

On an individual level, we can ask people in our lives if they will make changes for us. In many instances, such a change may bring advantages to them as well as to us.

If this fails, if the person is not willing to change; that is, we can’t rectify the issue, then we need to find an alternative. If we can’t change our environment, the government, or whatever we have tried to rectify around us, our last option is “Reconcile.”

We need to accept the situation as it is. We reconcile to ourselves that running from the problem or trying to change things is not going to work. If we choose Reconcile, we also need to “Regulate” in order to help with the negative feelings we are experiencing. To Reconcile without Regulating or changing our reactions to the issue, is likely to lead to hopelessness—a sense of futility.

In some of my workshops, some people have quipped that “rage” and “refreshments” also start with R and can affect change, as well. It is true that they can create change, but they can be very detrimental in the long term. In any event, they fit into the first two areas. Alcohol and drugs or “refreshments” are often something people use to “run” from their negative circumstances. Also, people sometimes attempt to rectify or change their situation using rage, usually by intimidation, retribution, force, or control.

Another unhealthy but common behavior is The Silent Treatment. The silent treatment is where one party cuts off communication with another to teach the other person a lesson—to make them feel guilty about whatever they have done. Giving someone the silent treatment is sort of a way of fusing Running and Rectifying. Anger (rage) is being used in a covert way, and this is unhealthy for two reasons:

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